Co-dependency is compassion without wisdom
Terms such as; "Service to Others and Service to Self are inextricably mixed up with the idea of love. On an
individual basis, we may say that we Love this or that person, and want to Serve them, but then the question
arises: WHICH PART OF THEM are we serving? The higher part that seeks spiritual progression, or the Lower
part that seeks self-survival? When we help someone who keeps making the same mistakes over and over
again, we are clearly interfering in their lessons. What, then, are we serving us or them?
Most likely ourselves because we are then able to "feel good" that we are so "long suffering" and "patient" and
"self-sacrificing," because we can certainly see, from the evidence of our eyes, that the other person isn’t
making any progress by virtue of our efforts. And, it may be a far more difficult thing to deny assistance,
particularly when it is someone we love, because it "hurts us to see them hurt." Yet, that may be the very thing
needed in order for them to grow - to be left to their own suffering until they have had enough so that they will
begin to see their own way out of the difficulty, thereby building soul strength and accessing their own powers
and inner potentials." - Laura Knight
Example of Co-dependency;
I have a childhood friend who was a master fabricator. This man could weld two pieces of any type of matter
together and he was fun to be around. However, he became a booze bozo, and soon his co-dependent mother
went to work simultaneously enabling him to continue with his new hobby. Before long she had helped him by
removing his desire to do anything else with his life. O' she nagged, but her actions spoke much louder.
When he and his wife lost custody of their children, his wife divorced him and began a new life. However, sense
he still retained his chief enabler, he was given no incentive to relinquish his life style. Convinced that it was all
her daughter in-laws fault, the chief enabler paid off her son’s home, paid all of his monthly expenses, did his
house cleaning, and continued to strip him of any and all responsibility for himself.
After he lost his drivers license, the chief began driving him everywhere he wished to go. She soon began giving
him a daily booze allowance in which each morning he began walking to the liquor store to dispense with. After
he began drinking the mix on his return trip back to his residence, he began to create havoc with his neighbors
along the way. Now the chief began driving him each morning to this desired location as well.
Before long his free-will had allowed him to begin engaging in homosexual and other behaviors with his drinking
buddies. Most of his family members soon became ashamed to acknowledge him, as he was often in handcuffs
for drunken disorder, causing further divisions in his family.
When the chief was confronted as to why she continues to engage in this behavior, she claims that her son
would die if not for her aid. What this well meaning mother has yet to realize is the fact that her co-dependency
signed her son’s death warrant many years ago! She did not put the bottle in his hand, however because of her
own character defect she began tipping it to his lips when he was a small child.
The sad part is that she needs him to stay sick and he needs her to help him to stay sick. Together they do
need each other sick. However, the even sadder part of all this; This elderly woman will one day leave this world
and you, Mr & Mrs Tax Payer, will become his new mommy.
Patterns of Co-Dependency;
1. My good feelings about who I Am stem from being liked by you.
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
3. My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.
4. My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
5. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way.
6. My self confidence is bolstered by solving your problems.
7. My self confidence is bolstered by relieving your pain.
8. My own hobbies are put aside.
9. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.
10. Your personal appearance and behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
11. I am not aware of how I feel, I am only aware of how you feel.
12. I am not aware of what I want, I want what you want. I am now not aware, therefore, I must assume.
13. My dreams of a future are linked to you.
14. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
15. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
16. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
17. My social circle diminishes with my involvement with you.
18. I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
19. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
20. The quality of my life depends on yours.
“Sense your struggle affects my serenity, now our combined struggle affects my serenity, causing my
mental focus to resolve your problems, in order to relieve my own.”
Is this not insanity at its best! I watch this sickness being duplicated over and over as I watch the relationships
between parents and their children. We all have a strong propensity to set our children up for failure. After a
toddler is potty trained it is now time to start teaching them how to navigate this harsh world. If you continue to
do the work for them, their chances of success are slim.
I could write examples about the co-dependency that I have witnessed in the treatment centers where I worked,
in the soup kitchens, work training center and from watching the behavior between parents and their kids until I
am blue in the face. However, co-dependents are a dime a dozen and they all feel they are doing right by
others, when in reality, they themselves are the most destructive force ever known to mankind.
Most appear to be blinded, so seared by dependent love that most just can’t see around the corner to realize
this very destructive force. It begins the very first time we bail our kids out, preventing them from experiencing
the full weight of their behavior.
How to recover from Co-dependency
Yes, the addict is going to tell you that they hate you when you will not give them money or allow them to sleep
on your sofa. Yes, they are going to think of every possible way to hold you hostage to their emotional bondage.
If they end up in jail, DO NOT BAIL THEM OUT! They got themselves there, let them get themselves out!
Do not take it as a reflection of your parenting skills. They will use you as their excuse. Don't allow them to do
this to you. Sure, you made your mistakes, no one is perfect! But if you do not have the strength to tell them
enough is enough, then go down and purchase both of you a burial plot, because that's where this will lead.
There is a fine line between compassion and corruption! Care and corrosion! Nurture and non-sense! Help and
hindrance!
Therefore, if you are allowing your child’s poor behavior I wish that you would find another way to entertain
yourself. Give your children a chance to live, teach them how, do not do it for them. He who cleans up his child’s
mess, will always be cleaning up his child’s mess! Love them enough to say, ‘No, you have two legs, two arms
and a great wonder between your ears, now use it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
Let the addict lose everything they own. Contact every family member and each one of their friends to warn
them to also cut off all sources of revenue. Move, change your phone number, even your name if you must. Do
whatever you must do to remove their sickness from your life.
If you allow one small hole in your strategy the addict will find it and squeeze through that hole. There is nothing
you can do for them but let them fall. "Some must die, for others to live."
Do not believe what the addict says, but rather what they do. Good intentions accomplish nothing, and going to
church will not prevent addiction.
I am NOT sorry for being so harsh regarding this subject matter, "Life is a Harsh Reality." 99% of you will not get
this. You will say to yourself; "But my situation is different." I am sorry to tell you this, but I have heard every
excuse, and known of them were valid excuses. No, not even one!
I know where it will lead if you do not stop and take stock of your own life NOW! If you or a loved one requires
further information with this issue, there is more help. But it is you who must becoming willing. If you need
strength to do the right thing, email me. Tell me you need help and I will "try" to help.
Before you look at the addict as the problem, first take a serious look at yourself! And please, don't anyone who
has read this ever ask me again; "What can I do to help my child, my husband, my neighbor, my friend, my
sister, my brother, or even my pastor! With that very question, you have made yourself their problem.
Treatment for Co-dependency/ Co-dependency Education -
Recovery Man - Co-dependency (HERE)
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